When nothing really fits

Pardon that the writing that follows will be probably represent one of the worst analogies ever to be made in the history of blogging.

I was lying in bed yesterday afternoon, feeling kind of blue and bored and all sorts of different things when I realized I had been staring into my open closet for a really long period of time without really focussing on it at all. You know that, when you stare for so long it's not in focus, it's like your eyes are actually focussed on the air in between you and the object it appears that you're looking at....

Anyway. Every time the weather changes I feel something in me gets all turned upside down and everything I've been used to (since the LAST time the weather changed) becomes a bit new and strange again. I should say this post will also be a bit cryptic. I haven't even figured it out yet.

So I'm staring at this closet full of clothes. Most of them I wore last winter. And most of them don't fit any more, or they do, but not in the way I'd like, not the way I remember them fitting in the changeroom whenever I bought them... But. I still wear them. Or I keep holding on to them, thinking that some day they may fit again. Some of them I don't really like any more, but I hold on to them because, maybe, they are from a time in my life I don't want to forget, there might be a feeling attached to them??? Or maybe I just like the colour or the way I imagine it should look, even though it's not for me... I am craving some new clothes but my bank account won't allow. My brain won't either, I don't need anything new, I just want it. There's a not so subtle difference there that most of our brains don't always distinguish between the two.... And besides, who is to say that whatever new clothes I did find would fit me any better than the ones I already have, right here. Reminder to myself: this post is not about clothes...

I almost want to delete this post it's so bad. But I won't. It's another cold rainy day and as much as I like hibernating, it's not what I need right now. I want to jump through the window and keep running, running, running, without anything stopping me until I run out of breath and my legs won't move anymore. Then I'll fall on the ground and let the rain pour all over me. I won't care how cold it is. Because then I can maybe come inside and be refreshed by what I already know is here. I am lucky, I know that. Sometimes I just forget and get overwhelmed by everything else. I wish I understood why.