The State of My Being

Why hello there. It's been awhile (does every post start like that?). I've joined the gym again and the benefit of that, besides the obvious, is that I find myself staring at some blank spot above my head in the mirror while jogging away or whatever, contemplating my life and what's going on around me, and it's one of the few times I get to do that... It's like an active meditation, if you'll allow me to call it that.

I was sitting in a meeting this afternoon with my principal and she referred to someone she once knew "trying to reclaim her life" and I thought to myself, "Hey, was that me?" and then I wondered if I deserved another year off yet, or if I actually have to work for a few more years to get that, harhar.

Really, I love my job. I was tentative about teaching a different grade, missing those funny things that Kindergarten kids do, wondering if I could manage. Here I am, just over a month in, feeling still a bit wiggly about it all but for the most part thinking I'm doing an alright job. I'm not sure if I'm doing a GREAT job, but there are definitely moments I feel great about. I often wonder if the messages are getting through, if the kids are actually GETTING it. And then these moments sneak up on me, like today. We've been talking all about "Waste in Our World" in science lately, and if you know me at all you know I have turned into a bit of a 4R fanatic (that's the 3Rs and "ReThink" if you didn't know...!) so I'm pretty excited to have an curricular excuse to pass that passion on to the students. Among one of the many things we've been discussing is packaging... So today one of my kids comes up to me with her snack in a reused plastic container and says "Me and my Dad aren't going to use bags for snack anymore, we're going to put them in here now" and I just wanted to hug her all day long for that. So maybe the message is getting through. Maybe they will become better readers, maybe they'll be able to write good stories, and make beautiful art, and stop spitting on each other by the end of the year (hey, at least there's only one student that I know of that I need to accomplish that goal with...), maybe maybe maybe!

It's not worrying, really, but it is occupying. I get carried away, excited about things, trying to do my best for my students, best for me, best for everything, and in the end, I get exhausted. I find myself wanting to take 2 hour naps in the middle of the afternoon. Doesn't quite feel right. Where's that balance I wanted? Where did it go? I had it a few weeks ago, I thought. I want so much for right now, which is maybe my downfall. Great things take time, and I need to be patient, and well-rested!

So I'm looking forward to the Thanksgiving break, and daydreaming about possibly heading over to Vancouver Island and maybe hiding out in the rainforest for awhile. Or finding a surfboard again. We'll see, but it's calming to think about.

In other news, I saw some really great bands last week. Beija Flor played an awesome opening set, then NQ Arbuckle, and then finally Elliott Brood. It was a school night. I shouldn't go to concerts on school nights, but I did, and I'm glad I did; it was a great night for my ears and my brain and my dancing shoes. Good thing my friend Ida was there to remind me to go home before I turned into a pumpkin. So, check out those bands, because you will be glad you did (in my humble opinion).

Love.

An Update... Long Overdue

Hello!!! Sorry it's been awhile. You see, I've been up to a lot since I posted last, and now I'm writing to you from my living room in Calgary. That's right, you heard me... living room in Calgary. I moved, see? I got a job (FINALLY) and I'm no longer homeless. Whoopee!

I really tried to make a go of it in Ottawa... I thought it would be home for me. I wanted to be closer to family and friends, but couldn't see myself living in Perth or Toronto; Ottawa seemed a logical choice. The thing is, logic doesn't make any sense at all when emotions are at play, so I soon realized Ottawa wasn't where I wanted to be.

Here are a few photos of some random things I enjoyed in Ottawa

First I went to Toronto to see some friends I missed...

I realized that the last time I really felt at HOME anywhere was in Calgary [Ed.: this is the short version!]. So I made a few phone calls (ha, it sounds so easy!) and made plans to be back out West by the second last week of July.

First I went to the Adirondacks to visit my friend Bart, and had an amazing time. I've never been to that part of the world before, though it is awfully similar to parts of Ontario. Just some different accents and funny money, haha. One of the highlights was definitely visiting Lake Placid and walking in, quite randomly, on a show of aerial ski-jumpers practicing their moves and landing in a big swimming pool, followed by a ride in a bobsleigh. Awesome!

Some photos from the Adirondacks

My trip to NY state ended with me driving straight to the Ottawa airport, sleeping in the rental car (classy!) and checking in for a flight to Calgary at some ungodly hour of the morning. Following that have been a few overwhelming and jam-packed few weeks! Hence, my not updating the blog lately!!!

I spent a week helping Amy pack up her stuff - and oh, how much stuff there was - and made her and her dog Max share their bed with me, so it was a cozy little one-bedroom home for awhile there!!! See, a week later we'd be moving into a three-bedroom place a few blocks away. The day we moved was also the last day of the Calgary Folk Festival, which I had volunteered for, so I had 4 days and nights of free, amazing music.....

Photos of the Calgary Folk Music Festival

So, now I have my own bedroom, and soon we'll have an office set up too so that work-stuff doesn't interfere with living-stuff, you know? I've taken a job in Forest Heights with a principal I know, admire and respect - teaching grades 3 and 4! EEK! After three years of Kindergarten (and a year outside of the classroom!) I'm nervous, excited, and scared. I haven't got a clue what I'm doing, but I'm sure I'll figure it out soon enough! it's a temporary position, which is good, because I'm feeling a bit commitment-phobic lately with my life. Not so much with people, just that I feel a bit hesitant to get too settled. I may still have the travel bug in me, or at least for the time being I'm not in a hurry to accumulate stuff that might make me feel 'tied-down' or something. Weird. Thankfully Amy's got a wide collection of furnishings to make our home homey, otherwise we'd be relegated to milk-crate bookshelves and cardboard box dressers, and cutting things with swiss-army knives, and I might be embarassed to invite people over. So this is my home for now, and it's a good one, and I'm ready to start living again. I feel like I'd stopped for awhile there.

In somewhat related news, I've started a group on Facebook called "Field Trips for Grown-Ups", and I've started a blog for that as well here. the idea is simple: I want to be a tourist in my own city, to keep things exciting and not to get stuck in the life of work (work of life?) again. To see my friends in new settings, to try new things, and have adventures! To have exciting things to write about in THIS blog, haha!!! Anyway, if you're in Calgary and want to join in, add yourself to the group (I think you can find a link on my profile page) so you get updates on planned activities.

Okay, I'm pooped, it's time for bed. Much love, and hopefully this satisfied those few people that emailed me to 'remind' me that I've 'forgotten' to post to my blog! At least I know I've been missed or something!

xoxo

Relay for Life 2008

Hello you fabulous, fabulous people,

Last night, you may have figured out by now, was the Relay for Life. I raised a whopping $1105!!! Thank you thank you a million times thank you to those of you who sponsored me or otherwise offered words of support.

It was a lovely evening - started out around 6:30, trying to find our "team" (we didn't know them but had been lumped together because our 2-person team was too small!), followed by a Survivor's Lap. This is always an emotional one for me, especially when I see little kids wearing their survivor ribbons, jumping around the track. Then we started walking, and to be honest, we didn't really look back all night long! Around 10PM they have a luminary ceremony and light all of the candles in memory or in honour of people fighting cancer - VERY emotional and I'm glad I brought my kleenex! Then, some more walking! I took a break at one point to enjoy a free massage by some students, another break to eat a sandwich (and some home-baked cookies), and a 20 minute snooze break with my head on a picnic table at one point. We stopped for about 30 minutes after dark when a torrential downpour hit, but then it passed, leaving most of our luminary candles soggy and drowned out; spent a bit of time trying to re-light the "O" in "HOPE" with varying degrees of success. Unfortunately many of the luminary bags had flopped over in the rain, making for some burnt paper and some dramatic photographs. Anyway, for the rest of the night, we walked, and walked, and walked some more.

One of the things that makes this event so memorable, to me, is how everyone comes together for this one night, under this one, incredibly powerful common experience. One of hope, perseverance, pain, rejoicing, celebrating, and loving... people are laughing and crying, together. I don't think I've ever met anybody who hasn't been affected in one way or another by cancer, and the thought that maybe we CAN actually make it history - is a pretty powerful idea. We're on the way, together. This is so much bigger than any one of us.

I got home around 8AM this morning, had a brief snooze, gave my legs a little massage, and I'm taking it easy for the rest of the day. I just wanted to say THANK YOU (again) for all of your support, and making this another amazing event. I thought of each of you last night.

If you'd like to take a look at some photos from the evening, go to:

Photos from Relay for Life 2008

Love and thanks,
xoxo
Vanessa~*



PS - If you want to donate, the online fund-raising page is still open, until June 21st I think, at https://secureccs.ca/eventmodule.aspx?lng=en&did=2&eid=33&pg=personal&inv=d86c6223-ba49-4ffb-b34f-108146eb1e49

A new take on "When Life Gives You Lemons"

But somehow "When life gives you a cake that's half stuck in the pan, make a cake with googly eyes and turn it into a cake monster" doesn't quite have the same ring to it... Too bad. The icing *was* the best part.

Happy Belated Pangea Day

"Pale Blue Dot" -Carl Sagan, astronomer.

What to do when there’s nothing going on, and at the same time everything is happening

I’m writing this in an effort to reach out. I can’t think of any other reason why. Maybe it will help to put some things in writing, or maybe it will just end up confusing me (or you) further. Nevertheless, it’s the process not the outcome, isn’t it?

I always thought hope would be enough. I thought that if you had a dream you could put everything in motion and do your best to make it happen. If you could let yourself fall into something, it would work out, because you had the drive and passion and energy for it, therefore, it’s got to work, doesn’t it?!

I’ve had times in my life where that were the case - there was something that I wanted to accomplish and despite hard times, it happened, even if people around me thought it wouldn’t. Sometimes even I told myself it (whatever ‘it’ was) wasn’t going to work out but I managed to squash those thoughts and keep going - to favourable outcomes.

If I were going to let the rational part of my brain step in here, it would say, “But Vanessa, just because you want to invent a time traveling machine, and you have energy and a deep desire to do that, doesn’t mean that you can!” and I would have to agree…

And then Jacques Cousteau would step in and say to me: “If we were logical, the future would be bleak indeed. But we are more than logical. We are human beings, and we have faith and we have hope, and we can work.” And I’d say, thanks Jacques. You’re sweet.

So what do you tell the kid in Burma who’s parents have disappeared, how do you tell him that it’s going to be okay and he will live a happy, fulfilling life? How do you tell YOURSELF it’s going to be okay when you see someone close to you having a rough time of things - don’t you want to tell them not to lose sight of hope…? I mean, “Everything’s going to be okay”, right?

I’ve been thinking a lot about hope and resilience lately, mostly because I want to have those things for myself right now. Let’s just say, it’s been a really rough couple of months since I’ve been back. I should have bought stock in Kleenex before all of this happened. I was SO full of hope for the way things would be when I returned from New Zealand, but at the end of the day, my hope just wasn’t enough. So what was I missing? What didn’t I do? What could I have done differently? What went wrong? Why am I still here (geographically, emotionally)? Am I being hopeful, now, or just stubborn?

In Human, All Too Human, existential philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche had this to say about hope:

Hope. Pandora brought the jar with the evils and opened it. It was the gods' gift to man, on the outside a beautiful, enticing gift, called the "lucky jar." Then all the evils, those lively, winged beings, flew out of it. Since that time, they roam around and do harm to men by day and night. One single evil had not yet slipped out of the jar. As Zeus had wished, Pandora slammed the top down and it remained inside. So now man has the lucky jar in his house forever and thinks the world of the treasure. It is at his service; he reaches for it when he fancies it. For he does not know that that jar which Pandora brought was the jar of evils, and he takes the remaining evil for the greatest worldly good--it is hope, for Zeus did not want man to throw his life away, no matter how much the other evils might torment him, but rather to go on letting himself be tormented anew. To that end, he gives man hope. In truth, it is the most evil of evils because it prolongs man's torment.

I’m not sure I agree entirely with ol’ Nietzshe on this one, but he does have a point. I guess sometimes it’s best to let go of something, rather than torture yourself with hope there to fuel the fire.

I consider myself, generally speaking, to be a pretty hopeful person. I’d like to think that things will improve; that the kids I can help in my classroom can grow up to be independent thinkers with an understanding that they can do anything they set their minds to, even if their parents are less than model citizens. I’d like to think that after an earthquake, or a tsunami, or whatever Mother Nature throws at us next, the survivors will band together and help each other and move forward stronger than they were before, with a renewed appreciation and respect for life, love, and the world around them. There are a lot of things I’d like to think, and I’d like to hope for. In fact, I could probably go on all day long raving about all the things I have hope for. And maybe you’d think I was a fool, or maybe you’d think about jumping on my bandwagon and having a hope-parade with me. There would be cupcakes.

Then I read an article about Hope in the NY Times. It said this:

People often display a remarkable ability to adapt to adversity, bouncing back to their usual levels of happiness despite extreme hardships. But people don’t always rebound, and scientists have long wondered what factors might account for the difference. In a talk at Harvard in September, a team of researchers suggested that one obstacle to emotional recovery, oddly enough, is hope — the belief that your current hardship is temporary.

Then it went on to say that the researchers found that, for example, people sentenced to life imprisonment without the possibility of parole adjust better to their situation than prisoners who retain the possibility of parole. Similarly, patients who underwent a permanent colostomy showed higher life satisfaction 6 months after the operation than those who underwent a potentially reversible colostomy.

Thankfully, I don’t have a life sentence or a colostomy to worry about at this point in my life. Knock on wood that I never do! But maybe there is something I can learn from them. Maybe, sometimes it’s important to give up. Maybe giving up (and only sometimes, because I would never ever ever EVER tell one of my students to give up, EVER - I guess this is a grown-up lesson) is the key to moving on and allowing yourself to heal and adjust to the new way, whatever that may be.

The question is, where is the new way? How do I get there? Do you have a map or a short-cut you could lend me? How 'bout I just hitch a ride with you?!

On that note, I’m going to leave you with some quotes I found about hope, because a good quote now and again is oddly comforting.

“He that lives upon hope will die fasting.”
~ Benjamin Franklin

“Hope makes for a good breakfast, but a poor supper.”
~ Francis Bacon

“Every area of trouble gives out a ray of hope; and the one unchangeable certainty is that nothing is certain or unchangeable.”
-John Fitzgerald Kennedy

“Everything that is done in the world is done by hope.”
-Martin Luther

My Relay... Your Help

I have a problem. Maybe you can help. (Read on).

This is the fifth year I've done the Relay for Life. So far I've done it in Kingston, Fort McMurray, Calgary, and this year brings me to Ottawa (well actually Nepean; close enough!) for a whole new experience. Every time the Relay has a different meaning for me, and along with it a different set of emotions. In 2004, my first year, my grandparents were on my mind as I walked around the track, remembering them and their fight and how much I miss them. In 2005, I found out that my friend Ali had had a relapse of Hodgkin's Lymphoma and was undergoing treatment again, so she was, needless to say, on my mind quite a bit that night - sending her as many good vibes of strength and courage as I could. Unfortunately, later that year she lost the fight, so that was my reason for Relaying in 2006 - to continue on the fight for her in whatever way I could. This year - news of friends and family members with cancer - there will always be a reason to Relay. Thanks always for your love and support.

Here's where the problem lies. I have a team of two. How can I call myself a "team captain" when there are only two of us? Two people don't need a captain! Haha. But seriously. I am supposed to enter a team of TEN. I don't even think I know ten people in Ottawa. So, if you are within driving distance and THINK you might be willing to have a lot of fun one night for a very important cause, please consider joining my team. I'm open to bribing at this point!

Alternately, crack open your piggy bank and help me raise some funds. So far I've had some very generous donations so I'm on my way to reaching my $1000 goal. With your pennies I should be able to make it!

To join my team or make a donation, click HERE.

A Melancholic Move

I apologize that I haven’t posted anything in, well, a VERY long time. I feel like it’s been busy since I last posted, and I guess it has, even if I feel like I may not have accomplished very much. But maybe I have? I’m not convinced, yet.

I left off last time saying I was ready to come back to Canada. Ready to be close to friends, family, love…

I really enjoyed my last week in New Zealand, after seeing penguins and dolphins and having my last ditch effort at surfing in NZ I made my way up to the very artsy Christchurch, where I saw an incredibly astounding array of public outdoor art, visited the museums and botanical gardens, listened to the crazy old "wizard" rant about... well nevermind. It was great. I tried to go swimming with the dolphins in Kaikoura but apparently that's a popular choice to so I "settled" with swimming with some seals instead. Which involves, mostly, pointing and going OH! (and consequently inhaling sea water in your snorkel) as a seal ZIPS past at a lightning pace... and then swimming on hoping one of them gets intrigued by your awkward swimming and comes close again. I met up with Bart in Kaikoura, shared a ferry ride back to Wellington, and the next day made my way up to Auckland again. And then, HOME!

Last photos from New Zealand

Right after I got home my Grandmother got really sick and for that I was so thankful to be home, to see her and know for myself what was happening with her; not to have to deal with stressed out phone calls from the hospital and wondering what was happening from so far away. She spent some time in the hospital in Kingston, was eventually transferred back to the Perth Hospital and now she is back home. She’s a strong woman, and it’s good to see that she’s bouncing back with gusto. I’m so proud of her.

There was snow on the ground, which was GREAT. Everybody here was grumbling about it, because (YES) it was cold, and I guess it had been a particularly long winter. I guess in some parts of the country it’s actually STILL cold and snowy (in MAY!) but by about 3 weeks after I got back it was all gone around here.

I enjoyed a trip to Toronto about 2 weeks after being back… it went by so quickly and I didn’t get to see everyone I wanted to. Next time, I tell myself. I did get a quick visit in with Joh (oh Joh!) and Belinda and Amy made it all the way from Calgary. Also got to see the Toronto contingent of my family… It was short but very very sweet.

Photos of Perth, Ottawa, Toronto

Then began the adventures of house-sitting for my friends Sarah and Darren and their beautiful boys. Nik came with me for the majority of the time. I’m sure it sounded like a pleasant enough idea at the time to him… countryside, gorgeous home, peace and quiet, close to home… and then about two days in the basement flooded and we had no heat or hot water. Whoopee! Heehee. It really wasn’t that bad, but it did test our patience, among other things. Poor Sarah and Darren, getting that phone call from me on their vacation… poo! Oh well. We had lots of fun with the dogs; Lucy (the resident dog) and Koru (the visiting dog) became best dog buddies. I also managed not to lose either of the cats to coyotes or the darkness of the night, or the sea in the basement, so that was good!

Photos of house-sitting

Nik’s oldest niece celebrated her 5th birthday not so long ago, so we took her to Ottawa for the day. She wanted to see dinosaurs, and eat ice cream. Sounded like my kind of play-date! Haha! She was literally bouncing off the walls with excitement. It was pretty darn cute. We had a fun lunch out at Zak’s Diner (good for sundaes with gummy worms in them) and then toured around the newly (and currently being) renovated Museum of Nature. It’s looking fabulous, so if you get a chance to go sometime, go! The last time I saw dinosaur bones was in Lethbridge, and that was a while ago; whatever I learned there I’ve since forgotten and I’m sad to say the same about whatever I learned about dinosaurs that day at the Museum. I managed to retain some random facts about seal’s milk and musk-ox, but that’s about all. I think I was a little distracted trying not to lose the buzzing Abbey!

Photos of Museum Adventures with Abbey

Now I’m back in Ottawa, and I’ve just newly moved into a sweet little summer sublet close to downtown. It’s an apartment (part of a house) that a law student is renting to me until the end of August. I’m hoping that by then I will have heard about a job with the school board… in my experience it’s never been easy getting a clear answer about anything from a school board, and I suppose it’s not going to be any different here. Wish me luck (I think I’ll need it!). In the meantime, I continue to look for something either (a) lucrative or (b) fulfilling. Soon I’m just going to jump at whatever job passes me by though because I sure could use an income! Now I’m only unemployed, no longer homeless! These things take time, I keep telling myself.


Photos of my Summer Apartment

Next plans? I don’t know. I’d love to be working, start saving up some money for my next adventure – whether it be to have fun on the weekends here in Ottawa (river rafting, anyone?) or acquire some camping equipment for the summer, looking forward to being a tourist in my own city (is this my city now?) – or look towards traveling some more at some point. For now, though, I’m just focusing on the here, the now, the being happy for everything that I have, the place that I am in… Most importantly, to cherish everyone I hold close to my heart, the warm sun on my face and the food in my belly. Life IS good.