Trying hard to reach out

On the crosstrainer at the gym last night and it hits me that a year ago this weekend I was leaving Fort McMurray for the weekend, certain I would end up in Calgary by summer time. I remember Ryan picking me up, going for pitas, and then about 2 minutes out of town limits he blindsides me with Kelly Clarkson. The American Idol. Anyway, I blame him for the fact that I actually like Kelly and have been known to turn the volume up should her song come up on my iPod or the radio. Oh yeah, I also paid 99cents each for a few tracks of hers. What can I say, she sings to me in more ways than one. I digress.

I remember looking at apartments and being scared but excited. Sitting on Brett's new couch in his new condo waiting for him to come home from his new job. Me not having a job and waiting for the CBE to call me back (they didn't until three months later) and traipsing around town looking at tons of sketchy apartments and some nice condos. Big decisions and bigger ideas. Thank you for being so supportive in those moments Ryan.

All this just a year ago. Who knows where I'll be a year from now..... I'll leave you with some wise words from Kelly's lyricist....

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I'd just stare out my window
Dreaming of what could be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray (I would pray)

Trying hard to reach out
But when I tried to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I prayed I could break away

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
And I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I love
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jet plane, far away (I will)
And breakaway

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging around revolving doors
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me but
Gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakaway

I'll spread my wings
And I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway, breakaway, breakaway

A series of unfortunate events

Okay. I really don't mean to complain about my job, because as most of you know, I love it most days. But today is another story. I hd a pretty decent morning, and then as soon as the clock struck 12 everything went to hell. I can honestly say I think it has been the hardest day of my teaching 'career' so far. It started out small, one of my students picked up a stick and another one grabbed it and they proceeded to play a hostile game of tug o' war. Then the stick broke and the student who had picked it up burst into tears. When I asked the other student to apologize, he made his first poor choice. And without boring you with the details or getting myself into trouble for telling too much, 25 minutes and many poor choices later, lots of screaming, kicking, hitting, and me using my "Non-Violent Crisis Intervention" training, the AP is sitting in my room with the child, his babysitter (who he also spit at), and his parents, I have been allowed to leave and I find myself sitting in the corner of the library crying as quietly as I can, lamenting the fact that this student of mine is what my AP called 'a child in distress', trying to work through the adrenaline and sadness all at once. Then the bell rings and I try to be as professional and cheery for my other students as I can but to be honest, I'm not very good at covering up how I feel in that moment. Luckily, there is more of a school community out there than I maybe feel some days and I needed it today, boy.

So I come home, sit in my roasting hot condo and cry a bit more. And then I have a cool bath and a fudgsicle simultaneously which really is very therapeutic. So there you have it folks. Thanks for reading. Hopefully better news next time.

xo