Dear Madonna

What are you thinking? You are using your name for evil, not good. I happened to stop and read one of your children's books the other day in the bargain bin at the Scholastic sale and it was crap. Then I heard a new release from your new dance album today, and lo and behold, it was ALSO crap. What is this - "I don't wanna hear / I don't wanna know / Please don't say you're sorry / I heard it all before". Hmmmmmm. It's true, I HAVE heard it all before! Gah. And don't go saying "I'm sorry" in a million languages, we don't forgive you. And Gwen Stefani started doing Japanese before you... I know you are the queen of pop, or whatever, which is why it is so hard to write you this letter.

You know that if your name wasn't Madonna your album would get totally trashed, right? But for some unknown reason you keep trying to rap and make up new dance moves. I'm sorry Madge, it's time to move on. Have more babies, or work for the U.N. (it worked for Ginger Spice) or keep kissing Britney Spears. Cos what you're doing now isn't working out for anybody. The thing I'm most sad about is that you used to be the star of a Tuesday night dance party at 77 Gerrard Street now and again, but I'm afraid that's over now. We'll miss you. Peace.